Lessons in property speak

I have been thinking about language and how we use it – relating to property, to colleagues, to loved ones. My friend Topher recently described a client as “price sensitive”. I loved this term as it said it all yet was phrased with thinly veiled discretion. I’ve used it quite a bit since. Another friend believes that every statement has its text and its subtext – this can get quite exhausting as you find yourself constantly searching for the truth of what’s being said. And sometimes things are simply what they seem or what you are told.

Certainly in property there are euphemisms that I think are understood by all. I have been charged with selling a superb duplex flat of close to 5,000 sq ft. It’s extremely secure, being located between two embassies and a royal palace. It has two parking spaces, what seems to be the most helpful porter in London and is opposite Kensington Gardens. At a fraction over £10m, it represents good value and my client wants it sold discreetly with no fuss, brochure or voyeurs. I have been entrusted to find serious buyers who will “get” the flat. I am often asked to take on such commissions but do so rarely – only if the property is both “special” (another one of those words) enough and I feel that I can do it justice by placing it with the right people.

In calling the select few for whom this flat might suit I find myself describing it as one for a purchaser with “sophisticated” tastes, one who is “discerning”, “old school” and “appreciates understatement rather than ostentation”. I hate to think of myself as a snob but realise that the subtext of what I’m saying is that this flat is for someone with good taste who is neither flashy nor attracted to an infinite number of plasma screens. And I think the opposite of “old school” is nouveau riche and hate myself for the assumption that old money means good taste and new the opposite, as that is not always the case.

“Brimming with potential” is how I would describe where I sit now, on a wooden deck, next door to a plunge pool, overlooking the Atlantic Ocean. I’ve come to St Lucia on behalf of a client who is interested in buying a villa in the Jalousie Plantation, which is in the process of being converted to The Tides Sugar Beach Hotel. It worked out perfectly for me as I met my LA friend John here to assist on one of his scripts. So I had two work opportunities and the chance for sun.

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The Jalousie Plantation has a history, having been initially bought by Lord Glenconner in 1982 before he left Mustique (the island he famously made into the Caribbean gated community of choice – holiday home to Princess Margaret, Mick Jagger, David Bowie et al). He wished to recreate the best of Mustique at Jalousie. The place has had its up and downs since then, going from Perrier to soda water to tap water, in his words. Roger Myers (former accountant to the Rolling Stones) bought the place in 2005 and is pumping $100m into the 192-acre United Nations Educational, Scientific and Cultural Organisation World Heritage Site, which it now needs. He has also enlisted the Viceroy chain to run it, which it also needs, as the service – while full of charm – is haphazard and the extended waits for the shuttle buses essential for the hilly site almost eradicate my holiday good humour, particularly when we are waiting to go to supper and my blood sugar levels are plummeting.

And here’s more property jargon – “the bones” are exceptional. The geography of the place is simply stunning, located between St Lucia’s famous two Piton mountains and near a white sandy beach, crystal blue waters and a picture perfect cove. From the private villas the sun sets over the Atlantic in front of you. Architect Lane Pettigrew has been entrusted to create a uniform look and John and I stay in one of the luxury two-bedroom villas. It is elegant, spacious and respects the local vernacular. There’s some tweaking to be done but I’m being a pedant as the project is not due for completion until 2011.

The smaller luxury villas range from $610,000 to $1.2m and half of the 83 are sold. The five ocean-view houses range from $2.8m to $6m and two are sold. The seven beach-front Glenconner Village villas will be $7m-$12m. Lord G is very much present, his name being his brand. Naturally I’m drawn on my client’s behalf towards the beach-front villas. It’s a gamble as the project is in transition and the price far from cheap but if this is what you want and the developers get it right, it’s going to be hard to beat.